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No question about it. This issue’s SFT column recognition belongs to William Angus Barter of Oregon.
Police cited Barter for forgery in March and then released him. Barter’s girlfriend was picked up at the same time, on unrelated charges, and also released. When she was taken into custody, she had $4.10 in her pocket—so when she was let go, a check for that amount was issued to her from the Washington County Sheriff’s Office, Jail Division, Inmate Trust Account.
By the time Barter was finished with it, the Inmate Trust Account check was made out to him (Barter) for the amount of $1,145.23. He took the altered check to a Beaverton US Bank to cash it; but when the teller left her window to verify the check, Barter got spooked and ran out the door—leaving his identification behind.
In a month’s time Barter has replaced his drivers license 11 times—and continues to abandon it all over the place, any time a teller shows the least amount of hesitation when Barter approaches the window with yet another bogus check.
The fraud expert from the Beaverton police department isn’t surprised anyone would question Barter. As he describes the suspect, “He hasn’t taken a shower or brushed his teeth in months….”
We confess, the Darwin Award (usually) has absolutely nothing to do with insurance or fraud. But we here at the JCFR take special care to keep track of each years’ recipient. For those of you among the unenlightened, this award is given annually to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. In 1996 the winner was an Air Force sergeant who attached a jet engine (JATO) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the road.
Recently the 1997 winner was declared. The dubious honor goes to Larry Waters of Los Angeles, one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.
Larry’s boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high-school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day Larry had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun—figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend—and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions.
Larry’s plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and, in a few hours, come back down. Things didn’t quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn’t float lazily up 30 feet or so. Instead, he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn’t level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn’t risk shooting any of the balloons lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot was the first to spot Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate.
LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue, but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.
As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it.
Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, “A man can’t just sit around.”
Let’s hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
© Copyright 1997 Alikim Media