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By Leroy Cook
For over a hundred years, they’ve shaped the view of the world of the private investigator. Who are they? They are fictions’ version of the wildly exciting life of the P.I. They’re Sherlock Holmes and Mike Hammer, Joe Mannix, Jim Rockford and Charlie’s girls, Sabrina, Jill and Kelly. But are they real? Of course not. And how do they measure up to the real thing R.W. Agent? Well, let’s see how R.W. and some of his fictional counterparts would handle a typical case.
It was anything but a usual Monday morning at the Acme Widget Corporation. Employees were gathered in small groups discussing the AWC-HR announcement dropped on them the previous Friday afternoon. With layoffs a week away, the only topic of conversation was who was most likely to be out of work soon. Plant gossips pointed to Mal Linger as one of the first expected to go.
As if on cue, Mal himself came limping into the area, hand to his lower back, and collapsed into the nearest chair. Call medical, he groaned. I fell off the ladder and no one was there to help me. I think I’ve really hurt myself.
By the next day, the word was out. Mal was in a back brace. The diagnosis? A soft-tissue injury possibly even nerve damage. It looked like he’d be out for quite a while. Interesting timing, commented some of his more skeptical co-workers.
Sure enough, months later, it looked like Mal would be going on permanent disability. But the rumors were flying. Some claimed they had heard old Mal had moved to a cabin out of town; others mentioned a vacation in Hawaii.
Addie Juster, the adjuster for Mal’s workers’ compensation claim, had already noted the timing of the injury and the lack of witnesses. She had repeatedly tried to reach Mal at home during the day, but when she always failed to get an answer, the Hmmm points began to grow. Maybe it was time to bring in some remote eyes and ears.
Turning to her Rolodex, she found four listings under Private Investigators. Jim Rockford, a long-time family friend, could surely be talked into taking the job. He was usually pretty good at convincing people to confide in him. But could he stay out of trouble? Of course, there was that Hawaii rumor that might need checking.
Maybe Addie should call on her brother’s old Navy buddy, Thomas Magnum? Unfortunately, Magnum always seemed to get those two pals of his involved, and Addie really wanted to keep this investigation confidential and low profile. The last personal contact on her list was Glenn Hall who, along with her partners, had acquired the nickname Snoops. They usually managed to complete their assignments, but they tended to bend the law just a little too much for Addie’s tastes. She really needed a safer option.
Addie flipped through her Rolodex and found the card for a P.I. referral service. The service was free to companies, and two hours later investigator R.W. Agent (a specialist in investigating workers’ compensation claims) was on the case. The service, before making the decision to refer R.W. Agent, had thoroughly checked him out and knew with certainty that he was the man for the job. (Editor’s note: Yes, free services like this DO exist. See the author’s bio at the end of this article).
Now Addie’s list included one investigator from the real world and three from the fantasy world of television. The question which needs asking is, Would the real-world investigator handle the case any differently that the others? Let’s see.
The real-world investigator, R.W. Agent, will: 1. Use legal pretexts to accumulate evidence on Mal’s physical activities when needed. 2. Conduct surveillance in a high-riding, neutral-colored vehicle so it has good visibility but is not easily spotted. He will also be unobtrusive in appearance and action and will blend in with the crowd. 3. Collect evidence by personally visiting the appropriate agencies to check business licenses, building permits, travel records to Hawaii, etc. He may go online, but he will generally use limited-access database services. In actuality, true professionals rely very little on the Internet. 4. Write a detailed, factual, opinion-free report for the client. 5. Bill the client for a fair fee and expect to be paid in a reasonable time.
The fantasy investigators will: 1. Also use pretexts, including roping and entrapment, to trick stupid neighbors and family (or even Mal himself) into revealing Mal’s every plan and action. Everyone is always happy to talk their heads off to these P.I.s. 2. Conduct surveillance from low slung, generally red, muscle cars, convertibles or sports cars. These folks definitely like to stand out wherever they go. Unobtrusive is not even in their vocabulary! 3. Call on their friends to be unofficial (e.g., unpaid) partners. 4. Use informants (often underworld) to get the real dirt on Mal’s after-hours behavior. 5. Pick a fight or seduce Mal into using that seriously injured back. 6. Think nothing of breaking and entering to plant electronic surveillance devices or snoop through Mal’s home and papers, which are conveniently located in a desk in his home office. 8. Become emotionally involved with Mal or his family, thus becoming temporarily blind to the realities of the case. 9. Take ten or fifteen minutes to tap into secure State and Federal databases (primarily Snoops), finding astounding information in a very short time. 10. Get lucky and catch Mal doing something impossible on film or in front of witnesses or con him into revealing his healthy condition. 121. Take Addie out to dinner/drinks and report success in the most general terms. Never issue a written report when a verbal report of facts, guesses and opinions will do. 12. Forgive his fee for an old friend or a sympathetic client. 13. Not carry liability insurance or care about trivial things like proper licensing and/or bonding.
In the real world, professional private investigators avoid flashy cars and appearances. They could easily be the man or woman next door, favoring tennis shoes over spike heels and business casual over Aloha shirts. They are intelligent, careful, and methodical in investigating a case. While our friends in televisionland blithely break the law, fight dramatic battles and rely heavily on coincidence and dumb luck, real P.I.s spend most of their time doing routine (but important) detail work and building cases one solid, legal, careful detail at a time. **
Leroy Cook is the President of ION Incorporated, a investigators referral service. He can be reached at 800-338-3463.